Hello boys and girls and welcome to a brand new feature on the Bobby The Bus Driver site – The Bobby The Bus Driver Reviews Page. Each month I’ll be telling you what CDs have been speeding up the wheels of my bus as I drive up and down the highways and byways of Milton Keynes.

I'll also be reviewing DVDs. As befits any bus garage worth it’s salt, we here in Milton Keynes have our resident dodgy DVD supplier who provides us drivers with all manner of bootleg movies at an affordable price. If you are reading this and you work for the police or the trading standards – of course I’m kidding, these people don’t exist, and you certainly wouldn’t catch me buying anything from them if they did!!!! There’s the disclaimer out of the way so on with the reviews...

As you will probably expect, this will not be your usual run of the mill reviews section! There are enough of them out there already! No kiddies, this is reviews done through the eyes and ears of your favourite bus driver / guitar god, and, as such there will be public transport hints and tips incorporated into the reviews, which should help you if ever you need to utilise your local public transport system. What I hope to achieve with this is to Educate, Entertain and Inform, and if you feel the need to comment on anything I say, then please do so at the Sack Trick Chat Forum. I do accept all currency and bankers drafts, but I’m afraid I don’t do credit card payments (yet!), I also accept criticism, but only if it is both humorous and offensive!! Enough of my ranting already – on with the action!!!!

GENE SIMMONS- ‘A**HOLE’ CD

What a way to kick off a brand new reviews section – with a Gene Simmons solo album. The fine body of men and women that make up the mighty rock animal that is Sack Trick all have a soft spot for KISS, but as far as this album is concerned, opinions have been divided. Some think it’s a pile of poo (or 40 minutes waiting for a bus that never comes, and when it does it’s full so you have to wait another 40 in the vain hope you’ll actually get anywhere!) to those that think it’s the reproductive organs of a large canine! I have been given the task of sorting the jammed ticket machine from the smooth journey for all of you fine people. When you get this album (coz you will, even if it’s only to maintain your KISS collection!) play the title track first, which confusingly is track 6 – ASSHOLE, then go back to the first track and play as normal. There are a host of top KISS style rock anthems to choose from – ‘Sweet & Dirty Love’, ‘Weapons Of Mass Destruction’ and ‘Black Tongue’ certainly make the wheels on my bus go round and round, and they wouldn’t have been out of place on the ‘Psycho Circus’ disappointment, oh sorry I meant album! We also get a lovely look inside the strange world of Mr. Simmons with a few strange styles – Mexican tinged tradition dance anyone? The one track that will leap out at you like an inspector hiding behind a bush, is a cover of The Prodigy’s ‘Firestarter’. This could have been an embarrassing mess, a bit like the breakfast from our canteen, but actually turns out to be quite palatable, a bit like the breakfast from our canteen! So there you have it kiddies, ‘***HOLE’ is the mystery tour of the music world with lots of stops in places you’d never expect to go as well as a few well known destinations.

- That's 8 buses out of 10!

Children Of Bodom - Are You Dead Yet? CD

Ah, the good wee kiddies of Bodom return with another slice of brutal riffage which sounds a bit like my bus does when i start it up first thing in the morning. The fretwork wankery is quite astonishing at times and the keyboard player can certainly tickle those ivories and the whole thing (apart from a f*cking dreadful cover of Billy Idol's Rebel Yell) is most entertaining. Perfect to set yourself up for the rest of the day, and when you listen to this whilst driving a bus you can reach 70mph! coz i've done it. The punters waiting at the bus stops hate it, but i love it.

Arctic Monkeys - Can't Remember The Name Of The Album!! CD

I thought i'd give these cheeky monkeys a wee spin to see what all the media fuss was about, and i'm glad i did. Ok, i know they only have 2 songs, but they do them so well. A bit like The Streets with I Am Kloot backing them. A fine slice of northern indie pop and lyrics about what they know - ie getting pissed up in Sheffield. These funky monkeys certainly keep the wheels on Bobby's bus going round and round.

Dragonforce - Inhuman Rampage CD

Having been witness to the Dragonforce live experience here in sunny Milton Keynes a while back i had to search this one out. I think the blueprint for this band is - play every riff you can think of as fast as you possibly can (that includes the drummer) and then get a dungeons and dragons obssessed teenager to write the worst myth and magic lyrics he can then give them to the singer who has appeared straight from the time tunnell from 1984. It rocks like a bastard, but beware kiddies - it's impossible to listen to the entire album in one sitting, as the album ends up sounding like an angry swarm of bees buzzing in your ears. There is no doubt that these guys are seriously proficient musicians - it would be nice if they could write some songs that you could listen to.

Johnny Cash - At San Quentin CD

Now this is more my all day ticket. The man in black playing to a baying throng of San Quentin inmates back in 1873 or thereabouts. There is no-one who can carry off this kind of performance or indeed this kind of show quite like Johnny Cash did. Singing songs of love lost, longing and feleanous activities it is just one of the best live albums you'll ever hear. Just go and buy it and make your life so much better. He walked the walk and my god, he didn't half talk the talk

Manowar - Entire Back Catalogue

A mate of mine presented me with a dvd a couple of months back full of mp3 files. To my delight i found it was the entire Manowar back catalogue. I know that you know that i know that you know that i know that Manowar are buffoons of the highest order, but never has heavy metal been so much absurd fun (if you take Kiss out of the equation). All Men Play On Ten, Death To False Metal, Hail To England...... all your Manowar faves are here in all their absurd glory. Although i might not listen to all of the albums, it's
knowing that they're there that fills me with a warm metallic glow.

Memoirs Of A Geisha DVD

First things first - i know this is a chick flick but it's a damn fine movie. Charting the progress of a wannabe Geisha from a young girl sold to a geisha house it tugs at even the most metal of heartstrings. I was very surprised at how much i enjoyed this film and i won't tell you any more of the plot in case i spoil it for you, just go and see it.

Walk The Line DVD

This biopic of the late great Johnny Cash is a wonderful movie. Joaquim Pheonix is respendant as the Man In Black and Reese Witherspoon is a revalation as June Carter. What makes it all the more remarkable is the fact that both leads sing themselves and do very passable renditions of their characters and in Mr. Phoenix's case he plays guitar as well. Charting the ups and downs of Johnny Cash's career, it wasn't the sugary sweet Hollywood version i was fearing, but an honest account of his life. Highly recommended.

METALLICA- ‘Live Shit, Binge & Purge’ CD and DVD

Now kiddies I know this box set has been out for a while, but I have only got my greasy mitts on a copy of the SLIM-FAST version, which, I believe was released last year. Not to put too fine a point on it, what we get here is a 3 disc audio concert (from Mexico City in case anyone is interested!!) and 2 DVD’s. The first of the 2 DVD’s is the full gig from the ‘Nowhere Else To Roam Tour’ and was filmed in front of many thousands of rabid Metallica freaks (which strangely looked like the queue for my bus in the town centre on a Saturday afternoon) and the second disc is from the ‘And Justice For All Tour’. The whole shooting match clocks in at a touch under £40 (well one whole pence under to be exact), which is a darn sight better than the original box set price of £140. Yes, you lose the cardboard flight case for an even sturdier plastic jewel case, and you don’t get the sticky pass, the T-Shirt, the commemorative Lars Ulrich stool sample, the 70 page glossy booklet and the James from Hatfield gob in a jar, but you do get a thousand years of banging Metallica madness. The first DVD clocks in at an astonishing 200 minutes, just imagine – nearly 3 and a half hours of Metallica at the top of their game. Yes it does get a bit tiresome after a while, but it’s nice to dip into now and again, after all that’s what the song selection part of the DVD menu is for! A quick tip for anyone who wants to put the audio discs onto their computer for burning off on mp3 format – it works a treat, just remember to delete the bass solo coz it gets a touch on the dull side after about 5 minutes (a bit like one of my shifts). So there you have it friends, Metallica condensed into an affordable big pile of shit. If you want to look at the original booklet (which is an extra on the second DVD) then get yourself a pair of binoculars to read the text from your TV screen.

HELLBOY- DVD

This isn’t due for UK cinemas until September, but Bobby has had a sneak preview and I’m glad to report that it’s a belter of a movie. Directed by Blade 2’s Guilermo Del Torro, it certainly looks the part, and if you’re familiar with the comic then you won’t be disappointed. Ron Pearlman plays the titular lead and puts in a magnificent performance, both witty and full of pathos. The basic story is this – American soldiers find Hellboy on a remote Scottish island during World War 2 just as Rasputin has opened a portal to another world to aid the Nazis in the war – needless to say they’re foiled, but this sets up Rasputin to plot his revenge on the child Hellboy who grows up to be Ron Pearlman and has a secret CIA/FBI type job fighting demons (a bit like a bus driver really), anyway, things go all pear shaped with Hellboy fancying the pants of some bird who, when she gets angry, bursts into flames (talk about a hot date) and the return of nasty old Rasputin who seems a bit hacked off with Hellboy for the portal closing episode back in 1945. You’d think he would’ve got over it through time but alas, no. There are loads of cool effects and witty one-liners and is definitely recommended after a hard day behind the wheel.

SHREK 2- DVD

There are no surprises here at all, picking up where the fist movie left off, we find Shrek on honeymoon with the lovely Fiona, things take a turn for the worse when Fiona receives an invitation from her mum and dad to go home to Far Far Away and have her wedding blessed. We get the return of Eddie Murphy’s sharp tongued donkey and a few new characters to boot, namely Puss In Boots (did you see what I did there, I used the word boot and then brought in the character Puss In Boots. Gosh, my journalistic skills are almost as good as my bus driving skills). Look out for a brief, but highly amusing cameo from Disney’s Little Mermaid. Perfect for the kids, but even better for the kids at heart, I can’t recommend this enough. See it alone, then take your friends, then take some more, then find total strangers and take them too.

SANDWICHES (In general)  

As a busy and committed public service vehicle operative I often have sandwiches for my lunch as I find it quick and convenient, and they fit into my sandwich box nicely! One of my particular favourites is the good old staple – Cheese and Ham. To make the Bobby The Bus Driver Cheese and Ham sandwich you will need the following – Cheese (Mature Scottish Cheddar), Ham (Honey Roast if possible), Butter (or one of the low fat butter type spreads) and bread (Scottish Plain bread or just thick sliced white). Use a Cheese plane to slice a generous quantity of Cheese – I find about half a dozen slices per sandwich to be sufficient. Coat one side of the bread with your butter or butter substitute and lay three hearty slices of cheese upon the buttered side of the bread. Take a handful of Ham and place on top of the cheese. Place the rest of the cheese on top of the ham and cover with another slice of bread that has been buttered as before, only this time with the butter side down. Cut in half and enjoy. You may customise this particular delicacy by adding condiments such as Sweet Pickle, Sandwich Spread or even some Mustard. If you want to use tomato, my advice is to slice the tomato and carry it in a separate container before placing between the buttered slices of bread – this handy tip will stop your bread from becoming soggy if your not going to eat the sandwich straight away!

You may be baffled by the dizzying array of new savoury snacks that have been popping up in your local newsagents recently. In the interest of YOU, dear Sack Trick aficionado, I have been taste testing them on your behalf and my results are as follows

Golden Wonder Wheat Crunchies – Donner Kebab Flavour 

If your familiar with the Wheat Crunchies range, then you may find they are a bit on the dry and tasteless side (the savoury tomato is a major letdown!), but these little beauties hit the mark. The only thing that’s missing is the 12 pints of lager and soggy salad to go with them. Alas there is no chilli sauce but the kebab flavour comes straight at you from the off and you could almost be standing at Ali’s kebab van at 2:30 in the morning.

Mini Cheddars – Cheesy Beans flavour

Although not necessarily falling into the crisp envelope, these baked mini biscuits are a marvel. The full flavour of the cheese and the beans comes through and you end up with a rather satisfying amount of flavour powder on your fingers to lick off when the crunching is done. The added bonus to these little devils is the farting factor. I have been known to clear rooms with my trouser coughs, and these Mini Cheddars only add to the destructive value of said trouser coughs – result!

Brannigans – Roast Beef & Mustard

Now I know these crisps have been out for some considerable time now, but these are the benchmark to which all other crisps aspire. My personal preference is a crisp that bites back, and these do with a vengeance! An essential item when eating these vicious delights is a drink, because your tongue will certainly hate you forever if you don’t have one. The roast beef flavour is quite strong, but it’s the English mustard that causes your nose to twitch and your eyes to water, these aren’t crisps – they are weapons of mass destruction. Simply unbeatable!

Yes! 11 buses out of 10!

TOMMY STINSON - ‘Village Gorilla Head’ CD

You may know Tommy Stinson as the teenage bassist from The Replacements, but these days a certain Axl Rose is paying his wages. Whilst not recording or touring with G’N’R. Mr. Stinson has found time to record his own solo album (take note Axl, it only took him 1 month to record and release this!!). I fully expexted this to be full of angry punk rock tunes, but I was grossly mislead. What we have here is an album of delicate beauty performed with style and panache. The acoustic guitar is the main weapon of choice for most of the tracks, with a few rockers thrown in the melting pot as well, but it’s the passion and empathy of the acoustic tunes that sets the hairs on the back of your neck on end. You certainly need to hear this album, I can’t recommend it highly enough.

RUSH - ‘FEEDBACK’ CD

To celebrate their 30^th anniversary tour, Canadian wonder boys Rush have released an album of cover versions of songs they used to play all those years ago. What we have here is  a rock masterclass, with musicianship and performance at the fore. In my eyes Rush can do no wrong, but even I was worried when I saw some of the tracks here. Who can imagine Geddy Lee singing The Who’s ‘The Seeker’? Surprisingly it works very well indeed. As befits songs of this age, Rush have left the keyboards and samplers at home and decided to play as a power trio with just bass, drums and guitar and it’s magical. Clocking in at just under 30 minutes it’s not the longest album in the world, but for just £7 I can’t imagine anyone complaining about the quality on display. I can’t wait for September to catch them live in the UK after a 12 year absence.

Yes, 20 buses!

MINDHUNTERS - DVD

This is a bit of an unknown quantity with me as I haven’t read or seen anything about this movie – but I have seen it (see explanation in last months reviews page!). The story concerns a group of young trainee F.B.I. psychological profilers who are sent to a deserted island on an exercise to profile an imaginary serial killer. Things don’t go to plan. With a real serial killer bumping the students off one by one in an ever more elaborate manner, the clock is ticking for them to find out who the killer is before they all die. The performances are all excellent, but special mention goes out to Val Kilmer as the instructor, Jonny Lee Miller, and Christian Slater as 2 of the students and L.L. Cool J as one of the detectives. Obviously I can’t say too much about the story as it’s basically a whodunit, but definitely see this film if you get a chance. It certainly kept me on the edge of my seat throughout.

Coming soon:

Shampoo – what fruits are good for washing my hair?

More recipes – for the gastronomically minded (and Robin Guy!)

And more movies and music put under the Bobby The Bus Driver spotlight.

Remember kiddies, if you want me to review anything in particular, then let me know and I’ll do my level best to comply to your wishes. Till then,

LUV’N’BUSES

 Bobby The Bus Driver

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DID YOU KNOW?

Bobby the Bus Driver is arguably the UK's best known bus driving guitar hero, who as well as providing axe and vocal duties for Sack Trick also single-handedly drives public buses in Milton Keynes.

As if this weren't enough, Bobby The Bus Driver writes for Rock Sound magazine under the imaginative Nom de Plume of Robert Adams too.